How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.


Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:


Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.


Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!




Monty

Theme from Firefly

Main Title Theme Written by: Joss Whedon
Performed by: Sonny Rhodes


Take my love, take my land

Take me where I cannot stand

I don't care, I'm still free

You can't take the sky from me

Take me out to the black

Tell them I ain't comin' back

Burn the land and boil the sea

You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be

Since I found Serenity

But you can't take the sky from me...





Monty

Apples and Wine

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.


Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!


Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine.


They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.



Monty

The Final Inspection

The soldier stood and faced his God
Which must always come to pass
He hoped his shoes were shining
Just as brightly as his brass

"Step foward now you soldier,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek,
And to my church have you been true?"

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
"No Lord, I guess I ain't,
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be saints

"I've had to work most Sundays
And at times my talk was tough
And sometimes I've been violent
Because the streets were awfully rough"

But I never took a penny,
That was'nt mine to keep
Though I worked a lot of overtime
When the bills just got to steep,

And I never passed a cry for help
Although, at times I shook with fear
And sometimes, God forgive
I've wept unmanly tears

I know I don't deserve a place
Among the people here
That never wanted me around
Except to calm there fears

If you have a place for me here O' Lord
It needn't be so grand
I've never expected, or had so much
But if you don't I'll understand"

There was a silence all around the throne
Where the Saints had often trod
As this soldier waited quietly
For the judgment from his God

"Step foward now you soldier,
You've borne your
burdens well
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell"


To all that have served;

SSG. P. T. Pack



Monty
US Navy (Retired) Submarines

Brazilian?!?

A guy is sitting in a bar having a beer next to a blonde who is reading a newspaper.

The headline in the paper reads "Twelve Brazilian Skiers Killed in Avalanche".

Sobbing uncontrollably at this unfortunate news, the blonde turns to the guy and says,


"My God! How many is a brazilian?"



Monty

OPERA Goes FREE !!!

Twice the Speed and No Speedos: Opera Reaches One Million Downloads in Two Days Oslo, Norway - September 22, 2005

More than one million people have downloaded the Opera browser in the two days since Opera announced it was dropping the ad banner and going completely free.

The download rate doubles the previous record reached in April when the company released Opera 8. According to server logs, a majority of download came from Internet Explorer users.

"The success of our free browser proves the world is ready for a fresh option," said a dry and landlocked Jon S. von Tetzchner, CEO of Opera Software. "I'm most excited about the hundreds of thousands of new users who have discovered the speed, security and usability of our browser for the first time."

http://www.opera.com



Monty

Bubba's New Toilet Brush

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.

Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."



Monty

NEW FCC/ARRL AMATEUR RADIO LICENSE EXAM

NEW FCC/ARRL AMATEUR RADIO LICENSE EXAM

The new unified amateur radio test has been announced and is here. A few important changes have been made. The new test has been designed in order that the same test can be given for all license classes. To qualify for the higher classes of license, all you have to do is score better on the test.


This makes things so much simpler for VE's.


I have included a copy of the new exam.

====================================================================

Please PRINT (that means no squiggly lines)

YOUR NAME (what they call you) _________________________________

ADDRESS (where you live) ________________________________________

BIRTH DATE (when you were born) ________________________________

EXAM INSTRUCTIONS:

Make a circle (one of these round things O ) around the letter of the best answer! This is so we know what your answer to the question is!


1. You TALK into a microphone with your

A. Hands
B. Feet
C. Toes
D. Mouth
E. Armpits


2. When you talk into a microphone, you talk into

A. the front
B. the back
C. the top
D. the bottom
E. the wire


3. "HEADPHONES" are worn over the

A. Knees
B. Eyes
C. Toes
D. Ears E. Lips


4. What do you do with the AC line cord coming out of a power supply?

A. Hold it in the air to pick up signals
B. Pull on it to start the motor
C. Talk into the plug to get real "skip DX"
D. Hook it to your antenna
E. Insert the plug into a source of power


5. A "two meter" radio is:

A. twice as strong as a one-meter radio
B. two one-meter radios in series
C. a CB with two meters on the front panel
D. a good doorstop
E. a monoband radio


6. A "ten-foot mast" is how long?

A. Three meters
B. Ten pounds
C. Two meters
D. Tree-top tall
E. Same length as basketball hoop is high


7. A "Triband antenna" is made to work on how many bands?

A. 1
B. 2
C. 3
D. 4
E. 10


8. The "Marconi" antenna is named after:

A. Marconi
B. Mantovani
C. macaroni
D. Dean Martin
E. martini


9. What colors of DIODES can you buy at a Radio Shack store?

A. Red, blue and black
B. Red, yellow and green
C. Orange and brown
D. I am color blind so this is a discriminatory question and I should automatically get a waiver on this question.
E. I have no intention of ever using DIODES, so don't care what color they are.


10. What color of SLURPEE can you buy at 7-11?

A. Red, blue and black
B. Red, yellow and green
C. Orange and brown
D. I am color blind so this is a discriminatory question and I should get another waiver on this question. I now have two questions right.
E. All the above


11. You have just installed your new mobile rig in your vehicle and you are still parked at the curb, you need to pull out into traffic and you are talking to another station?

A. You put down the mic long enough to signal that you intend to pull away from the curb
B. You keep on talking and just pull out in traffic
C. You open your left rear door to signal that you want to pull out in traffic, while calling CQ DX on the repeater
D. You install a light bulb at the top of your antenna so that it will flash when you are talking on the radio and people will then know to let you out



END OF EXAM.

YOUR SIGNATURE (slap yo tag here)

_________________________________________



=================================================================
SCORING:

Get FOUR correct and you get an EXTRA!!!!
Get TWO right and you get a GENERAL!!!
Get ONE right and you get a TECHNICIAN!
Get None right. Go back out in parking lot and study another five minutes.
When you are done, come back in and try again.



Monty
KC4QCE

Retired people.....

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more i abused him the more tickets he wrote.


I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a "Hillary in '08" bumper sticker on it.


I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It's important at our age.



Monty

B-52 model jet....

Yeah, it really flies.....

"CAUTION - B-52 AIRCRAFT MAY BE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR"





I just had to share.



Monty

USPS Hillary Clinton Stamp

The US Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation.

In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special commission made the following findings:


*The stamp was in perfect order.
*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
*People were spitting on the wrong side.



Monty

SEMPER-FI

A Baptist minister was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Memphis. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Marine asked for a bourbon and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips!

"The Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant, "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice."

SEMPER-FI



Monty

Bahrain donates $5,000,000 to Katrina relief!

(From a friend I meet working in Bahrain.)

Here, on the TV you watch, you will NEVER have news like this on your nightly news program, so I'm passing this on to you. The tiny island kingdom of bloodthirsty Bahraini Arabs you're supposed to hate, has donated $5,000,000 to the victims of Hurricane Katrina from the Arabian Gulf.

"Manama, Sept. 6 (BNA) On behalf of the President of United States, the US government and the American People , the US ambassador to Bahrain William Monroe thanked the Government of Bahrain and the Bahraini people for the Kind and generous offer of $ 5 million to assist the victims of Hurricane Katrina."

Thank you, Bahrain, for your help in our time of need.....

Here's a great blog by an obviously bloodthirsty Arab, Mahmood, I read every few days. Mahmood runs a video production company and sends us videos from his blog that are about real Arab people, who are just like us...er, ah, well, almost...(c;
http://mahmood.tv

(Mahmood, as will be obvious to you shortly, is not in great favor with his mullahs, always poking a stick at his religion. He also has a keen eye for the ladies NOT covered from head to toe.)

Bahrain News Agency is the government's news outlet from the king.
http://english.bna.bh/

Mahmood regularly blasts them on their awful English grammar....(c;

Ok, now, how many of our "friends" sent us $5M to help?



Monty

Lucas Evander

My new Nephew has arrived.

Lucas Evander XXXX
Born: 08-03-2005
Birth Time: 11:00 AM

Mother is my brother in-law's wife Heather.

Congradulations!



Monty