Sunday, May 21, 2006
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy." - printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Saturday, May 20, 2006
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Monday, May 08, 2006
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're contracting gonorrhea; which is why I came here in the first place."