The boy and the Elephant.....

A little boy sees a sign that reads "Easy money. Come to the big top today for details." The boy gets there and there are all these big, strong men all lined up. He walks up to the ringmaster and asks," What are they doing?"

He replies, "If you make this elephant get off all four of his feet then I will give you $1000."

The little boy watches the men trying to pick it up or push it over and no one could do it. The little boy goes home and gets his lunchbox. He then hurries back. He asks the ringmaster if he could try.

He replied," You are quite small but you can try if you want."

He goes to the elephant, sets his box down, and takes 2 bricks out. He walks back under the elephant and smashes his nads. The elephant jumps up and runs. He collects his money and leaves.

Some time later, he sees another poster. He goes back and the ringmaster tells him to make the elephant shake his head yes and no.

The boy gets his lunchbox and comes back. He pulls out the bricks and talks to the elephant.
"Do you remember me?" (shakes his head up and down)
He picks up the bricks and shows the elephant.
"Do you want me to do this again?" (he shakes his head no very quickly)

The boys collects his money, tells the ringmaster to call when he is back in town and leaves.


Monty

Navy mountain man....

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James,
a Tennessee Mountain man, was enlisted in the Navy.

On his first day of boot camp, the Navy issued him a toothbrush.
Later that afternoon, a Navy dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his second day, the Navy issued him a comb.
That afternoon, a Navy barber sheared his head.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap....
The Navy is still looking for him.


Monty

Bomb Squad

Who said the guys on the Bomb Squad don't have a sense of humor.

From a few guys over in Iraq.

Bomb Squad Joke

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Monty

Revised employee handbook

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage you money better so you can buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.


Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.


Restroom Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.


Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, just enough time to drink a slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to the company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Management



Monty

Annual Physical

70 year old George went in for his annual physical. All the tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God"?

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows that I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it such that when I have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof) the light goes on, and when I'm done (poof) the light goes off.

"Wow", commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible". A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife.

"Ethyl," he said, George is doing fine, physically. "But, I had to call, because I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that that when he gets up at night to go to the bathroom, the light goes on, and when he is done, the light goes off"?

Ethyl exclaimed, "Oh my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator, again!"


Monty

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


Monty