Honesty

As our elected officials say:

Honesty is a powerful concept.

Use it only as a last resort



Monty

16 Things NOT To Say When Your Boss Asks What You're Doing

Here’s a piece for the IT Worker’s Guide; the top 16 things not to say when your boss walks up to you and asks “What are you doing?”


16. “Nothing special...”

15. “I’m glad you asked, because I just wondered if there’s anything I could do for you...”

14. “I was just goofing off in front of the screen pretending to work.”

13. “What do you mean by ’doing’?”

12. “Sorry, but could you please repeat the last question?”

11. “LOL”

10. “Wow, when you just said that, that sounded incredibly manly...”

9. “There’s so much to do I don’t know where to start...”

8. “Hang on a sec’, I’m beating the highscore...”

7. “If I said there’s a three-headed monkey behind you, would you believe it?”

6. “Great question! Your management skills are adorable.”

5. “He stopped working first!”

4. “About that email you sent me last Monday, could you send it again?”

3. “You tell me first!”

2. “Your arms are getting more and more relaxed. You feel very, very tired. You ...”

1. “I’m actually working.”



Monty

Warning! - Blonde Joke - clean

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."




Monty

Bowling in Japan

Bowling in Japan has become very popular, lately.

As you can see from this picture, the bowlers are very enthousiastic about the sport....(c;








Monty

Best Bra EVER!

I can't wait to see one of these.....(c;

Think they'll notice her at the party?.....






Monty

The Quiet Sermon

A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit him.

It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor’s visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited.

The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead.

Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting. The Pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, "Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next Sunday."

We live in a world today, which tries to say too much with too little. Consequently, few listen. Sometimes the best sermons are the ones left unspoken.

If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything!



Monty

Understanding the world today.

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender..

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.


I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.


So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer...

I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?




Monty

The Horse

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.


"Your horse phoned"



Monty

New Car

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 8 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."


For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.


Services are pending.



Monty