Saturday, March 04, 2006

Canadian Navy Factoids

from Ordinary Seaman Bloggins...

I intercepted this secure message from the Canadian Navy you may find interesting.
I suppose it will be posted to several USN bulletin boards, across the planet, by this time, tomorrow....(c;

I've attached it to make printing easier....

-------------- Enclosure number 1 ----------------
Things Ordinary Seaman Bloggins learnt in the Canadian Navy.

1. The correct answer to all questions is "I have no excuse P.O."
2. Beards make you look cool.
3. Excessive drinking is penalized.
4. Infrequent drinking is penalized.
5. Rules are what you obey when people are looking.
6. The east coast vs. west coast debate will not be solved till either the west coast has an earthquake and sinks into the ocean or the east coast sobers up.
7. Even the French don't like the French.
8. Other people's incompetence is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
9. Really shiny shoes are required for my survival in a combat situation.
10. Really well ironed pants are required for my survival in a combat situation.
11. Having the back of my neck well shaved is required for my survival in a combat situation.
12. Clean underwear is not required. Ever.
13. The unusually large size of the terd in the heads is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
14. Leading Seamen don't out rank shit.
15. Grown adults are not mature enough and for their own protection need to be told to not run with scissors.
16. Grown adults cannot be trusted to not burn off their testacies with hot equipment and need to be constantly supervised.
17. Not getting off early enough for an afternoon nap is an acceptable complaint.
18. All naval traditions are vaguely gay.
19. The following sentence makes perfect sense to a navy man; "The Master Seaman went to the poop deck to watch the Rear Admiral swallow the anchor and drink moose milk."
20. Retiring is called "swallowing the anchor."
21. Floors are called decks.
22. Walls are called bulk heads.
23. Toilets are called heads.
24. Desserts are called duffs.
25. Hallways are called flats.
26. A boat can fit on a ship. A ship can not fit on a boat.
27. Don't touch the floor in the showers.
28. Don't touch the walls in the showers.
29. Don't touch the hand railings, anywhere.
30. On Tuesday I will be having meat pie for dinner, seven years from now.
31. Vegetables are not a food group.
32. Moose milk is a food group.
33. Failure to tie your shoes is an acceptable reason for ass-raping.
34. Failure to wear your headdress outdoors is an acceptable reason for ass-raping.
35. Complaining about the ass-raping is an acceptable reason for ass-raping.
36. All sailors swear like sailors.
37. The Scanky nature of the woman you have slept with is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
38. The Scanky nature of the woman you are sleeping with is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
39. The Scanky nature of the woman you are trying to sleep with is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
40. The law of diminishing returns does not apply to revenue driven military operations such as the galley on base.
41. Decreasing quality and increasing prices thereby decreasing the customer base is an effective way for the galley to make more money.
42. A promotion to the rank of P.O. comes with a fair bit of weight. Usually about 120 pounds.
43. The word navy is an acronym that stands for Never Again Volunteer Yourself.
44. You will be told when to volunteer for things.
45. Spending 20k$ on monitoring software to ensure people don't use government computers to play solitaire during their lunch breaks is an acceptable use of public funds.
46. Spending 1k$ to purchase technical manuals made within the past 20 years is not an acceptable use of public funds.
47. Spending millions to retrofit a ship and then immediately decommission it and spend millions more to return it to its original state so it can be given to a museum for free is an acceptable use of public funds.
48. Spending one dollar for a replacement pencil is not an acceptable use of public funds.
49. People who tell you to get your hair cut are always bald.
50. Victoria smells good and has only a couple of bars.
51. Halifax smells bad and has a couple hundred bars.
52. Drinking is optional, in Victoria.
53. Showers are optional, in Halifax.
54. Do not eat the communal cheese.
55. All doors are button operated for the benefit of people in wheel chairs.
56. Even the doors that lead to stairwells.
57. Cologne should be applied by dipping your head into a bucket of the cheapest shit you can find.
58. The sense of smell is a privilege, not a right. It will be revoked if abused.
59. Everybody requires a nick name. Preference will be given to names that imply homosexuality. e.g. spanky.
60. Where we will drink next Friday is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
61. Where we will drink next Saturday is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
62. Where we will drink next Sunday is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
63. Where we will drink on lunch break during the week is an acceptable topic for everyday conversation.
64. It takes several days to paint a 6' square wall.
65. Attendance is required.
66. Work is not.
67. Excelling at a menial task results in doing that same menial task everyday for 20 years.
68. The first 15 minutes of every conversation should consist of senseless yelling.
69. 8 sailors in 1 room does not guarantee a well tied knot.
70. Mine-sweepers are ships that are made out of metal and look for mines.
71. Mines are magnetic.
72. Stopping work at 10AM to eat soup is a god-given right worth killing for.
73. Conversations regarding the number of beers in a flat or case can result in fist-fights.
74. It is necessary to posses the appropriate qualifications to be allowed to do a particular job.
75. It is not necessary to possess skill or competency to be allowed to do a particular job.
76. One out of every 17 pay stubs will be accidentally sent to Quebec, with Quebec taxes and deductions taken off. Even if you've never been to Quebec.
77. After sufficient drinking, even the straightest sailor can be heard uttering the phrase "Ever been in the shower and noticed the way soap suds trickle down a man's ass?"
78. A failure to make a good decision with no information will be punished. Clairvoyance is required.
79. The entire navy is telepathic by nature and communication is not necessary.
80. There are no mistakes caused by poor communication, only mistakes caused by insufficient funding.
81. Insult on the west-coast; sucky baby. On the east-coast; sooky baby. The border for this difference appears to be Quebec.
82. "Sorry dude, I thought it was my locker." is a valid excuse for getting completely wasted and pissing in a stranger's closet at 3am.
83. Canada's submarines have spent more time above the ground than Canada's helicopters.
84. Suggestions for improving the quality of junior-rank barracks should include: more inspections, more duty personnel, more responsibilities, and free cake.
85. Everybody has either slept with a French reservist or is a French reservist.
86. Canadian warships have an expensive, highly complex, and advanced decoy system to protect themselves against a specific type of acoustic torpedo.
87. The only country that uses acoustic torpedoes is Chile.
88. I get paid 6000$ per year to do my job.
89. I get paid and additional 36000$ per year to put up with bullshit.
90. Every member of the Canadian forces (regardless of age, size, fitness level, activity level, culture, religion, work schedule, gender or metabolism) requires the exact same amount of food three times a day, every day seven days a week.
91. I am the only person responsible for ensuring that my pay is accurate.
92. I do not have the authority to make or recommend changes to my pay.
93. I do not have the training to notice mistakes with my pay.
94. Franks red hot sauce should be used to improve the taste of the food onboard ship.
95. Franks red hot sauce should be used to improve the taste of the coffee onboard ship.
96. Sailing past your home port a hundred times in three days waiting for your scheduled arrival time is completely rational.
97. 6 picnic tables for 200 sailors is a good idea.
98. Shaking people awake in the morning must involve actual shaking.
99. If you forget to flush the toilet people will assume that water restrictions are in effect and also stop flushing.
100. It is necessary to properly secure your hat when a Sea King is landing because a hat that has blow off can take a Sea King down.
101. It is necessary to properly dispose of your cigarette butts when a Sea King is landing because a cigarette butt can take a Sea King down.
102. It is rude to make jokes about Sea Kings.
103. Sea King pilots have the best Sea King jokes.
104. The phrase "I've got a good master on top of me" is a compliment to your boss, not a gay S&M reference.
105. Avast means stop.
106. Handsomely means fast.
107. Laughing when somebody yells "heave your line handsomely" is not appreciated.
108. A rational amount of time to allocate for cleaning 15 feet of hallway is 1.5 hours.
109. If the ship is really dirty and extra hour will be allocated.
110. One of life's simple under-rated pleasures is taking a crap in private.
111. A pay raise that occurs in the beginning of April will be announces the following September, scheduled for December, delayed till January, processed by March the next year, and paid out the following April. Probably.
112. The top most part of the ship is the mast, but "top part ship" in the middle.
113. A heaving line is used for throwing, not heaving.
114. A Sea King is a type of helicopter, not a term of endearment for an Admiral or other high ranking individual.
115. If ,while you are taking a break from storing provisions onboard ship, somebody offers you a stolen Pop-Tart do not eat half of the delicious strawberry goo filled treat and save the rest for later by putting it in your right front pants pocket.
116. If the keys to your locker, which you keep in your right front pants pocket, mysteriously become covered with delicious strawberry goo; clean them before using them to open your locker.
117. If you see somebody in the washplace cleaning delicious strawberry goo out of a lock, just turn around and walk away.
118. Everybody has the most important trade in the navy.
119. Chronic masturbation does not count as a medical disorder.
120. Carpal tunnel syndrome does.
121. Morbid obesity is a sexually attractive trait in both sexes.
122. It's not harassment if you like it.
123. Private Bloggins really did exist. I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who went through basic training with him.
124. It is not possible to paint anything the wrong colour grey.
125. It is possible to apply primer by surprise.
126. The question, "I want to be better at killing people, can I get more weapons training?" will get the answer of, "Absolutely I'm glad you asked."
127. The question, "I want to be better at killing people can I get training in explosives?" will get the answer of, "Absolutely I'm glad you asked."
128. The question, "I want to be able to jump out of an airplane and kill people, can I get a jump course?" will get the answer of, "Absolutely I'm glad you asked."
129. The question, "Can I live on my own and feed myself?" will get the answer of, "You'll need to write a memo formally asking permission and prove that you're responsible first."
130. Always be weary of sentences that start out with "When I'm Admiral."
131. If for no reason you start singing the song "I feel pretty" people will join in.
132. Lesson #131 also applies to "In the navy", "Live a virgin", and "It's raining men".
133. The most important thing to do during an emergency is to tuck your pants into you socks.
134. Nobody ever requires officers. We just request them from time to time.
135. It is necessary to have a rule explicitly stating that paperboys are not to be allowed unescorted access throughout the ship.
136. I am not allowed to refer to myself as an extraordinary seaman.
137. Daily polishing of all brass and stainless steel is important.
138. Sanitizing the shower stall floor is not.
139. My lack of detailed knowledge and experience on how to do other peoples jobs clearly demonstrates my severe lack of ability and dedication.
140. Discipline builds character.
141. Sailors have a lot of character.
142. Most of it bitter and sarcastic.
143. The Minister of National Defense has no idea when the new ships will be built so for the love of God stop asking.
144. The three most important things to bring with you when sailing are: candy, porn, and money to buy more candy or porn.
145. Many sailors used to be in the army.
146. Apparently the army is not "just like camping."
147. Fridays means clam nectar. Mmmmmmm.
148. It is possible to eat an entire meal including an over done steak with nothing except a spoon.
149. The solution to all organizational problems is to create more organization.
150. Pornographic magazines are not authorized onboard HMC ships.
151. Nor can pornographic magazines can be found in lockers, under mattresses, in the heads (male and female), hidden in drawers, under equipment, behind wire ways, or taped to the bottom of desks. I swear. Really.
152. The name given to relief efforts for domestic natural disasters should always rhyme with a part of the digestive tract. E.g. Op Sphincter.
153. The correct answer to the question "Why is it that every time I come out here I see you having a smoke?" is "Same reason that every time I'm here I see you coming out to have a smoke."
154. Military conditioning will eventually result in being unable to sleep for more than 3 hours in a row with out suddenly waking up paranoid that you're late for something.
155. It is not a good idea to tell your PO that you can't wash the walls because all the rags are dirty.
156. It is not a good idea to tell your PO that you can't wash the walls because the water is currently unavailable.
157. It is not a good idea to tell your PO that you can't wash the walls because ships don't have walls, they have bulkheads.
158. It is possible to clean a bulkhead with a dirty, dry rag. Even if it takes you all day.
159. It is not a good idea to point out the mistakes the bosuns made while painting.
160. It is possible to clean marine paint out of your jacket, pants, boots, and hair. Even if it takes you all day.
161. Search and rescue technicians wear bright orange uniforms and tend to be very physically fit.
162. Do not refer to search and rescue technicians as giant tomatoes.
163. Marbles don't bounce.
164. The flag that is raised when the CO is ashore is called the third-sub, not the old man alarm.
165. Rumors rip through the navy faster than beans though a burrito fest.
166. The most effective way to teach anybody about anything is to put them in a small classroom and make them watch 8 hours of a powerpoint presentation.
167. Everything is believable on a 6 foot screen.
168. Hiding gay porn in other people's equipment, lockers, spaces, etc... is a fun way to spend your spare time. Refer to lesson #165.
169. A gagglefuck is a completely disorganized group of people or event.
170. Hiding is an essential skill.
171. If I buy a large knife at a foreign port I am required to register it and have it secured in the small arms locker because it is a dangerous weapon.
172. Upon being posted to a ship I will be issued a 6 inch knife which I have to carry with me at all times.
173. Never get caught asking the question, "If Boatswains like boats what do Coxswains like?"
174. Because anachronisms can be confusing, the excessive use of them should be avoided.
175. In order to facilitate communication Canadianized Aids To Naval Environmental Communication, or CATNECs, should be used wherever possible.
176. Always keep your mess clean.
177. Seasick pills taste like strawberries.
178. In every sailor's life some vomit will fall.
179. Getting 98.3% on the operators test does not mean that I could probably pass the supervisors test.
180. Passing a supervisors test does not qualify me as a supervisor.
181. There is nothing hypocritical with a short, fat, bald man telling me that I look like a bag of mashed assholes.
182. Equipment never gets turned on. It gets flashed up.
183. Avaster does not mean stop faster.
184. A chemox set is a breathing apparatus used for firefighting.
185. Chemox canisters are considered to be a dangerous product because they start fires.
186. Chemox sets can be found throughout HMC Ships.
187. Chemox sets can also be found in museums.
188. Never inquire why a room smells like sex. You don't want to know.
189. When sailing outside of Esquimalt harbour, if the black water tanks are full, the toilets will be out of bounds because you can't flush the poo untreated into the Strait of Juan de Fuca.
190. When alongside in Esquimalt harbour the ships black water tanks are emptied into a municipal sewage system that flushes the poo untreated into the Strait of Juan de Fuca.
191. The toilets are never out of bounds in Halifax harbour.
192. Never even think about swimming in Halifax harbour.
193. Making your self look good is one of only 3 reasons to have a conversation with another sailor.
194. Making somebody else look bad is one of only 3 reasons to have a conversation with another sailor.
195. Making an officer look like an idiot is one of only 3 reasons to have a conversation with another sailor.
196. Civilians who wear military camouflage or clothing do not look like bad asses. They do look like morons.
197. It you ever want to irritate a current or former member of the Canadian Forces all you have to do is wear a beret wrong.
198. All naval bases are surrounded by slums.
199. Lesson #198 has something to do with what would otherwise be prime waterfront real-estate being zoned as heavy industrial and filled with large equipment, dangerous materials, and thousands of young people who for the first time in their lives are earning a decent wage and away from their moms.
200. Never go to the bar that is closest to a naval base.
201. Never ever go home with a woman who goes to the bar that is closest to a naval base.
202. When talking with the media avoid making references to the fattest sailors in NATO.
203. Nothing says lovin like a retarded P.R. stunt.
204. Be wary of a bosun with a latex glove.
205. Workups is a sailing trip where a bunch of guys in red hats come aboard and conduct continuous exercises so they can point out all the things that they would do wrong if they were in your shoes.
206. 6 o'clock only occurs once per day.
207. Breakfast occurs 3 times a day.
208. Lunch is a figment of my imagination.
209. All women in the navy are lesbians. This is proven by the irrefutable evidence that they won't sleep with me.
210. Shoe polish can explode.
211. Icecream is scary.
212. If you can't tie a knot, tie a lot.



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