Friday, June 17, 2005
No, please don’t get so upset…it’s not you, it’s me. I’ve been thinking about this alot lately and I honestly think it would be the best thing for us if we just didn’t see each other for awhile. I really didn’t want to get into this but if it will make you stop stomping your foot and pouting, then OK, we’ll discuss it.
Yes, you are always there for me, I know and I should be grateful…and I am, really I am. It’s just that, well…we’ve fallen into such a rut lately. Every day it’s the same thing…day after day. I know what you are going to do, when your going to do it and for exactly what reason. There is no spontaneity anymore. Maybe there is comfort in personal rituals, but sometimes I like it when you do something unexpected…something I’m not used to. You are going to think that I am totally selfish, but I must be honest with you. I need you to know what my intentions are so there is no misunderstanding.
I want to see other operating systems.
Sorry, but I stole this...
To read the complete blog posting please go to,
Thursday, June 09, 2005
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes...
Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low-amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short-lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire foreffect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
I did so. Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to my wife what made that burn spot on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!"
Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight -- always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"
(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get there?? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back.
Never Touchin' the Taser Again!
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer, and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Monday, June 06, 2005
I finally got a new job. It has to do with wireless security. Still do not fully understand what the job entails. I signed my intent to work and all of the admin paperwork a little over a week ago.
They finally called me today asking me to start Tuesday morning. The phone call was followed up with an email giving the location, and a contact to get into the building.
Do not know what the job really is. They had asked for someone with a lot of RF surveillance experience. During the interviews they mainly asked about WiFi technology. Not a lot was asked about my RF skills.
My training comes from the Technical Surveillance Countermeasures (TSCM) field. In that line of work we would do a detailed search for hidden video and audio monitoring equipment. My last job was working at the Department of Energy (DOE) as a TSCM Tech conducting analysis of DOE facilities in the DC area. Only did this job for 8 months.
Prior to DOE I had spent the last five (5) years working for the White House. We took care of the 18 acres (where the White House is) and several buildings around the DC area. We also traveled ahead of the President, Vice President and NSC reps. That was a great job. I was able to travel all over the States and the world.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender..
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer...
I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?